Facebook Status

Dear Zuckerburg,

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

Smooches,

Alyssa

"Convenience Fees"

Dear Ticketmaster, Livenation and all of you other clowns,

How is it convenient for me when you tack on an extra 15-20% charge on every ticket I purchase. GFY.

Love,
Alyssa

Winter Sports

Dear Mother Nature,

Ever heard the phrase "Before you gnar, safely enjoy a PBR"? I have. And guess what, you crusty old bitch? I can't. Because there's no snow.
Get with it.

Love,
Alyssa

Dear Tyra

I think it's total BS that you disqualified one of the girls from the finale and won't say why.

Disgusted and Confused,
Alyssa

Get a room. No seriously.

Dear Homeless Guy at the Harvard T Stop,

I can't imagine how hard your life is, and I am truly sorry that you have found yourself in the position that you are in. I know that mental illness that leads to addictions is often the root cause of homelessness, and it is incredibly possible that this is the fate that you have suffered.
What I don't understand is that you constantly smell like pee and never accept anything I try to give you, whether it's money, a coffee, a bagel. I'm not trying to offend you! I'm trying to help!

What really grinds my gears, though, are the asshats that scream on the subway that they need money to get to "home". I've seen the same clowns yelling the same crap on the same trains for almost two years at this point. I'm not buying it.

Get a better angle,
Love,
Alyssa

Beliebers of the World Unite!

Dear Jaded, Overweight Men,

Why do you hate on Justin Bieber? Why do you say that he sucks and isn't talented? Why? Are you jealous that he has millions of screaming fans? Or is it the millions of dollars he has that you dont?

Either way, live and let live. I love the Biebs and I specifically love his Christmas album. This is the season to appreciate one another, value peace, and especially cherish love. I fucking love Justin Bieber.

Merry Christmas everyone.
Love,
Alyssa

Fantasy (?) Football

Dear Fantasy Football,

I thought we were going to have a good time this year. I gave you $120 with the hopes that I would walk away with a grand.
But...my team sucks. I'm okay with that. It's only $120 and maybe next year I'll be better.
You know what I can't stand? The buttnuggets in my league. Get a grip. You guys suck.

Love,
Alyssa